another day in paradise.

Today is one of those days that I’m reminded of how important the little things in life can be.  A short trip with the love of my life to the beach (and I italicize beach because it’s actually a large creek that’s surrounded by small rocks.  But hey, when they plow, it becomes fluffy, a little like real sand.  A little imagination never hurt with this process either.)  Spending several hours discussing anything and everything, leisurely passing a football, and flirtatiously dunking and splashing the love of your life is a small moment that should never be taken for granted.  I am by far, more poor (money wise) than I have ever been in my life.  I’m living without “essentials” that don’t seem so essential anymore.  The list includes items such as cable and a proper working internet, a cell phone, money, and air-conditioning just to name a few.  Life’s rollercoaster has made us cut back for the time being until our financial situation is yet again stable.  With these small cuts (some may believe to be huge) I have yet again been graced with another small lesson on life.  My mother has always been one to preach to the choir about how life’s luxuries aren’t necessities, and when one can’t afford them they are found to easily be lived without.  Interestingly enough, my mother (the wisest woman I’ve ever known) is anything but wrong yet again.  We’ve found several silly, yet successful ways of getting around these small inconveniences which I’ll share with you just in case you’re ever in the same predicament.   

Try and hold back from making fun…. : )

For the lack of air-conditioning which tends to get worse while trying to sleep, I’ve found the best mechanism is a cold wash cloth and making a “tent” out of a light bed sheet equipped with its very own fans.  Although mine ended up looking a little more like a bubble rather than a tent, I must admit I had a little fun and it brought back cherished childhood memories.

For the lack of cable we’ve been sadly forced to watch court shows and the Simpsons over and over again all day long. No matter how much you love the Simpsons, a limit must be set.  I would be fine never seeing Bart or Homers face again.  But for the time being, I refuse to complain.  I suppose listening to Marge’s screeching voice everyday is better than nothing.  We’ve found that if you sit in specific spots all over the apartment we can catch glimpse of “fast” internet for 5.2 seconds before it is yet again lost.  We spend more time attempting to find these spots than we do on the actual internet, sad, but very true.  I’ve found though that the less time we can actually spend on these technological devices, the more time we are forced to spend together, which in the end is a win.

Being without a cell phone has proven to be a little therapeutic.  I didn’t realize how much time was spent texting, calling, and browsing the web until I was without one.  It’s almost like smoking to me (although I’ve never smoked, I’m figuring it’s a little like the addiction I have to my phone)  I feel it necessary to check my phone every time I THINK I hear vibration, during commercials, when sitting alone in the car while Anthony is pumping gas…okay okay, I feel compelled to check my cell phone nearly every five minutes.  An unhealthy addiction I would assume.  Without it I don’t have to worry about missing calls or texts, I also don’t have to have something attached to my palm 24/7 AND Anthony enjoys that he doesn’t have to battle for my attention.  Another win.

Without money, we’ve been forced to find interesting things to do that don’t cost money.  The art museum happens to be free through the months of July and August.  Not only is that a cool experience, but it’s also air-conditioned, knockin’ two things off the list.  I’ve found myself wanting to be outdoors, even in this scorching heat, which has made me discover a nearby park and the beauty that’s trapped in downtown Columbus.  It’s also made us find interesting things within ourselves which has shown to be a little difficult at times. 

Although I’m living a life that some would look at and laugh, thinking to themselves “I could NEVER”.  But baby, bring it on…just another day in paradise.

As the well sung words of Phil Vassar (who coincidently is performing this evening at a bar right down the road) said.

Well, it's ok. It's so nice
It's just another day in paradise
Well, there's no place that
I'd rather be
Well, it's two hearts
And one dream
I wouldn't trade it for anything
And I ask the Lord every night
For just another day in paradise

until next time friends, find happiness in everything you do. :)

a new hobby.

To add a little more flavor to my life in a constructive way, I’ve decided to look up some simple DIY (do it yourself) projects that can be done on a low to nothing budget and in the confines of my 2 ft by 2 ft downtown apartment.  The internet is such a wonderful place.  I’ve made a list of some crafty type things I’d like to start doing once I get into the grove of my crazy work schedule.  I don’t want to give away any of my ideas just yet, until I at least have an opportunity to try some of them.  But, I would like to encourage everyone to find a new “hobby” whether it be big or small, I think it helps with the natural stresses of life.  With that being said, I will share with you a website I have recently become obsessed with.  I’ve always loved Tori Spelling more than the normal human being.  I think her way of relating to a “ordinary” life is inspiring seeing as how her life has always been anything BUT typical.  She’s also just incredibly fabulous when it comes to design, crafting, and fashion so why wouldn’t I have a small girl crush on her?

http://www.torispelling.com/cat/entertain

Along with this added edition to my daily routine, I’ve found myself truly focusing on my potential book.  I know my story is an interesting one, and although I find I can write about nearly anything this has proven to give me more writers block than any other subject before.  I’ve contemplated telling my story to someone else to have them take the bull by the horns and jot it all down.  But in all reality, I know I’d feel like a failure if I did that, so what’s my only option?  I suppose I’ll continue to create sixty more outlines of how to detangle this complex lifetime and make it into something some would enjoy reading. So wish me luck with that adventure, hopefully before another decade passes I will at least be content with page number uno.

Life as I know it…

   Living in Columbus has brought about many NEEDED changes in my life as I have said before.  Being away from the 15 regularly attended bars in Dayton and the friends that enjoy me as a drunken fool, has a sad ring to it in many ways, but has proven to be what was required.  I’m in no way perfect, and know that I’ve made and continue to make too many mistakes for one to count, but I know now that alcohol doesn’t cover up those mistakes and in some instances only makes them worse.  This in no way means I’ve become a no fun sober sally.  I obviously still love myself some brews, many brews at that.  But have cut down on using alcohol as a therapy tool for every time I’m upset about something, and it truly feels wonderful.  Separating myself from what I’ve always known has allowed me to truly grow as MYSELF. I will say though that I've never missed my best friends and family more than I do on a daily basis now but have only grown to appriciate each and everyone of them more due to the distance.  With all of the rambling nonsense that honestly, I don’t even care about, I will end with this.  My best friend Stacia is coming to visit tonight, therefore I’m ready to boogie down to whatever the music in our brains is playing with an alcoholic beverage in hand. HECK YEAH YA’LL.

get me out of here.

Today I can finally say I’m finished with the most influential book I’ve ever read.  Searching at Goodwill for a filing cabinet, to hopefully help organize my not so organized boyfriend, I stumbled upon the book isle.  In no sort of order I was positive I wasn’t going to find anything worthwhile, but the clearance sign had me certainly intrigued.  It wasn’t long before I had an arm full of books ranging all over the spectrum.  One book in particular caught my eye.  A young woman sat on the cover looking distressed with the title above her head that read “get me out of here”.  Leaving Goodwill with several odd items that didn’t include a filing cabinet (that always seems to happen), I had no idea what journey the .50 cents spent was about to take me on.  It took me no time to sit down on the couch and indulge in this woman’s struggle with an often over looked mental illness known as borderline personality disorder.  Within the first few pages I found myself relating with this estranged woman in more ways than one.  It was easy to feel a bit “crazy” at times, especially through my struggle accepting my adoption and my most recent disaster, my failed marriage.  Although many of her issues were different and much more severe, I was already obsessed with the fact that my depressive and unpredictable states could be associated with someone else’s foreign issues.   I found myself with a highlighter in hand, taking notes of anything and everything this woman felt that had ever crossed my mind for even a split second.  In many ways it was comforting to know my brain wasn’t the only one that struggled, but I quickly was reminded that I wasn’t connecting with a friend, this was a mental illness I was reading about.  Before I knew it, the entire book had taken over my life (Anthony even threatened throwing it away).  I would sometimes struggle to fall asleep at night because I desired to know more about her illness.  Several nights were spent sitting up on the couch with a dim light reading in hopes of this woman finding some sort of hope.  I decided one day to have a beer while reading about this “mentally insane” woman.  One beer turned into 5, which turned into mixed drinks, which turned into a very drunken 2 hour phone conversation with my mother about how I felt this book was literally making me insane.  I had begun my journey with this woman the very first page I read, and there was no turning back.  As I read on, I became increasingly aware of my true internal feelings, and how I wanted to learn to better express those feelings without being in an uncontrollable funk all the time.  Although I’m no doctor, and therefore can’t diagnose myself with any type of mental illness, I was incredibly surprised by what an impact this book had on my life over the past month.  I may not be able to say I have borderline personality disorder, but this woman’s struggle and ability to overcome a huge personal battle gave me optimism that I too could overcome anything thrown my way.  I hope to one day write about my silly struggles to in turn back up the idea that everything happens for a reason and overcoming any depressive situation is possible with the right outlook on life.  With that being said, I am MORE than thrilled to be able to put this book behind me, but have a new found interest and appreciation for those struggling with any mental illness.  So Read If You Dare : ) 

On a side note, I begin my full time position tomorrow at a local daycare working with the adorable two year olds and I can’t wait.  I’ve found my best coping mechanism is staying busy.

yet again, another chapter to life.

Well, it’s obviously been a long time since I’ve taken a moment to write on what was supposed to be a therapy tool for me. But as one could guess, it’s been nothing less than a continuing rollercoaster. So much has changed; I wouldn’t’ want to bore you with the day to day details of it all. I will say though, that this chapter has brought about changes in me that I didn’t even think were possible. The minor changes have proven to be the ones that were important all along. Surprising to me, seeing as how I’ve been known to look only at the bigger picture leaving behind many important aspects that may need fine tuning. I’ve really come to find and understand myself more these past few months through personal reflection and reading. Some changes have demonstrated how hard self recognition can truly be. With the loss of a few “good friends”, I’ve come to realize who I want to truly hold close to my heart. At the very instant I begin to feel sorry for myself, I obtain the love and support needed from those who matter. I’ve been told by several that my personal battles have been found inspiring, which has only given me more drive to truly live. Although I am still far away from where I’d like to be, I remind myself that life is a marathon not a sprit. I’m living proof there’s light at the end of the tunnel, corny maybe, but so true. I’m finally GROWING UP. At times a very scary thought, but more than anything I’ve found comfort in it. Alcohol has slowly diminished as a therapy session and mere acquaintances have drifted away. Not to say that anyone is less important, but I’ve found great satisfaction focusing on relationships with those that deserve more time. Although I still find myself questioning if I’m worthy of the love I’m given, I know deep down it’s what keeps me kickin’.

The basics of these past few months may be minor, but for me, life changing…..

I’ve found a handsome boy whom I’d like to thank for allowing me to continue my journey without ignoring my past.

The most wonderful feeling in life is the feeling of true friendship.
The words of a good book have made me look deeper into the person I truly am, and the person I want to be.

got some friends who would be here fast, i could call em any time of day. got a [sister] who's got my back, got a mama who i swear's a saint. Lord know's i'm a lucky [wo]man

day by day.

days fly by and nothing tends to change. i seem to have less time to do things I enjoy and more lines added to the to do list of "getting my life back on track".  but tonight I feel rather different, I actually feel OKAY with it all.  nothing is ever going to be perfect, and for some reason theres a part of me that is disappointed with myself and with all of my imperfections.  when society is telling you one way of doing something, and your life just isn't following along, what is one to do? take life day by day. i'm going to have the ups and downs, i'm going to be sad some days and unexplainably happy others.  i have dreams and i'm determined to reach those dreams and that's all that should really matter to me.  i hate wasting days without a smile on my face trying my best to keep up with it all.  relaxation and happiness is a part of life so many of us miss out on, and i've never been willing to do so, that is until REAL life slapped me in the face and had to spend every waking moment putting it all back together the best i could.  i'm a long way away from being where i'd like to be, but ya know what?  i'm okay with it.  i don't need to have a 9-5 job holding me down right now, i don't need to have more money then i know what to do with (would it be nice? of course, but things work out differently for different people) this was all in my plan.  i'll stay as positive as possible, and walk down my own road. i'll be impulsive and probably make many more stupid mistakes. but i promise to learn, enjoy, and flourish from lifes bumps. because when my road comes to and end, i want to look back on it and say...sure i could have possibly been the dumbest 23 year old i knew but having fun was always in my vocabulary and a smile never left my face. : )

so although our lives may be different. yours may be working out just as you had planned, and that's wonderful.  but when you look at me don't wonder, just know...my life is anything but boring.

inspire me.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…"
- Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love

No, alcohol isn’t the answer, but it sure as hell makes you forget about the question.

The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever seen before.

Tough times don't last,
 but tough people do; 
fuck your past, but don't 
let your past fuck you.

keeeeeep it comin'

King Of Anything

I would have a full blown dream about how my ex and I got back together last night, waking up with a smile on my face I was quickly reminded that I have to go to the post office to pay for postage to send my dissolution papers back in.  What a way to start the day.

never give up. stay strong and push through. theres always a light at the end of the tunnel. but until that light is found.. tears will be shed, hearts will ache, and confusion will take over the brain.

 

attempting to stay positive...

 

Not only does this song get me grovin' this morning, but I question the same thing.
Who died and made you KING of anything?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA


have a fabulous day.