mmhmm

If it’s raining, I’ll be on my way back home.  I can’t bear to sit through another storm. But I’ll tell you one thing, you live and you learn. I’ll learn to love each rainbow again. Take me back to a time where we were carefree.  We ran, we jumped, we sang, we danced, we imagined.  We believed in every possibility and therefore every possibility had endless possibilities.  My dream comes from a moment of serenity. With the road at my feet, standing underneath the stars, I will scream every secret to the moon. Why do you think the sky lights up the top of each building when focusing on a city from afar?  Picture you’re dreams just being a reach away.  Each and every one of us deserves to smile for no reason, but to have a reason to fill up a heart, and to spread the contents of that heart with the rest of the world.  Find me wild, with a frazzled brain, but I’m not willing to give up on myself. Showers of tears swallow my face to help release the negativity that has been trapped in this heart of mine.  I don’t mind, because I’m warm inside.   Don’t tell me not to run, don’t nail me down.  I’m only better from this, so I’ll take that now and leave.  I’ll start my journey again and again until I get it right. Sir, smile.

The tragedies of chemistry, people dream of what you and me have found. <3

GIRL, I really hope you got what you wanted.  Atleast one of us deserves to win...right? SHIT.

A Blast From The Past, A Journey To The Future :)

Although I’m finding comfort in the new lifestyle I’m living, it doesn’t change the fact that I miss many aspects of what used to be.  So many people have come into my life over these brief 24 years, and I’ve learned so much from each and every one of them.  Life has made it difficult to stay constantly in touch with each and every one of these special individuals and that simply hurts my heart.   Just over the past few years I’ve experienced so much with so many and those memories will forever be cherished.  Some may not even know what an impact they’ve left on my soul.  So here’s a dedication to just a few of the memories and those who helped create them.  I feel truly blessed and although I can become overwhelmed with life at times, I know that there are many more memories to be made.  I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

                                 Best Friends Since Kindergarten.
       Pigs, Hammocks, The Star Sapangled Banner and OUR son ZUES

                                                     

                           Painting Leaves To Drinkin' Beer

                                                  

FAB 4

Swim Team

My PCB's :)

Partying At The Sheline's



Football Games...

Meeting My Biological Family

Meeting Michelle's Foster Brother (Our Brother Tony)

My Creative Images Ladies/Men

The Birth Of My Nieces And God Daughter

The Most Amazing People I've Ever Met.

my celeb.

put in bay with the most amazing group of girls.

The definition of true friendship.

                                                                     

the most beautiful bride.

a different breed.

just a phone call away

My Viaquest Behavioral Health Boys :)

And Last But Not Least.......

One Amazing Man

I have a future before me, but will never forget my past, together they create the scrapbook of LIFE.

the food pantry.

So, as I’m frantically attempting to get everything accomplished for this new job I’ve recently started, I’ve once again been graced with deeper thought processes than the normal human being.  Only natural, when it’s coming from this brain of mine, I suppose.  In my effort to find an ATM to retrieve just enough money to allow for the most expensive background check I’ve ever heard of, I somehow ended up in the GHETTO.  Although I was running late and my GPS was taking me way out of the way, I was still excited to be trapped in a world where everything was just a little bit different than what I was used to.  Knowing that I’m not in the safest of neighborhoods always tends to excite me.  After passing numerous cops and seeing a lady passed out on the front steps of a worn-down apartment complex, I was almost compelled to just drive around a little bit longer to take in all the differences this area had to offer.  Although I stuck out like a sore thumb with my windows down and blasting Miranda Lambert, I didn’t care.  Something specific caught my eye though.  It was a local food pantry on the side of the road with about 50 people standing/sitting in a jagged line outside two old wooden doors.  With an array of ages, I was caught most off guard by the children that were slumped over in 90 degree weather waiting for what probably seemed to be an eternity to gather food.  I’ve fed the homeless and helped the needy for many different organizations but this seemed to be a little different for some reason.  I immediately took a mental note of this, along with the location and decided that I was going to find a way to help.  Therefore, Anthony and I have decided to give back a little by working a some volunteer work into our schedule.  Something I haven’t done since I’ve moved to Columbus, and I can tell I’ve truly been lacking that certain something. : )  Even without my “essentials”, I have more than most and I love that in the simple day to day activities I’m reminded of how blessed I really am.  I encourage everyone to try and give back a little; you’ll be surprised what you gain in return.

i dig you.

Increasingly becoming abnormal and I’m finding happiness in just that.  My toenails have never been such a beautiful color, and although I’ve been graced with the presence of different people, I’m not scared.  With the blink of an eye, it could all be gone.  Don’t move too slow, for you may not have enough time.  Don’t move too fast, for you may completely miss the beauty of it all.  Interestingly enough, we don’t have the answers.  You can be brave or live in fear.   Make something of yourself, for yourself.  Those who don’t matter are just faces in the background of your picture book.  The star happens to be you. Laugh all you want, cry all you want, scream all you want, feel.  It’s important.  Magnify your soul; don’t drown it in the pool of the incredibly judgmental society that may surround you.  I turned on all the lights and danced until I couldn’t dance any longer.  Alone, I danced.  Hold my hand, and we’ll skip through the treacherous battles that have proven to nearly be the death of some. I promise to never give up if you can promise to do the same. I dig you; your smile, your laugh, but most importantly, your soul. 

another day in paradise.

Today is one of those days that I’m reminded of how important the little things in life can be.  A short trip with the love of my life to the beach (and I italicize beach because it’s actually a large creek that’s surrounded by small rocks.  But hey, when they plow, it becomes fluffy, a little like real sand.  A little imagination never hurt with this process either.)  Spending several hours discussing anything and everything, leisurely passing a football, and flirtatiously dunking and splashing the love of your life is a small moment that should never be taken for granted.  I am by far, more poor (money wise) than I have ever been in my life.  I’m living without “essentials” that don’t seem so essential anymore.  The list includes items such as cable and a proper working internet, a cell phone, money, and air-conditioning just to name a few.  Life’s rollercoaster has made us cut back for the time being until our financial situation is yet again stable.  With these small cuts (some may believe to be huge) I have yet again been graced with another small lesson on life.  My mother has always been one to preach to the choir about how life’s luxuries aren’t necessities, and when one can’t afford them they are found to easily be lived without.  Interestingly enough, my mother (the wisest woman I’ve ever known) is anything but wrong yet again.  We’ve found several silly, yet successful ways of getting around these small inconveniences which I’ll share with you just in case you’re ever in the same predicament.   

Try and hold back from making fun…. : )

For the lack of air-conditioning which tends to get worse while trying to sleep, I’ve found the best mechanism is a cold wash cloth and making a “tent” out of a light bed sheet equipped with its very own fans.  Although mine ended up looking a little more like a bubble rather than a tent, I must admit I had a little fun and it brought back cherished childhood memories.

For the lack of cable we’ve been sadly forced to watch court shows and the Simpsons over and over again all day long. No matter how much you love the Simpsons, a limit must be set.  I would be fine never seeing Bart or Homers face again.  But for the time being, I refuse to complain.  I suppose listening to Marge’s screeching voice everyday is better than nothing.  We’ve found that if you sit in specific spots all over the apartment we can catch glimpse of “fast” internet for 5.2 seconds before it is yet again lost.  We spend more time attempting to find these spots than we do on the actual internet, sad, but very true.  I’ve found though that the less time we can actually spend on these technological devices, the more time we are forced to spend together, which in the end is a win.

Being without a cell phone has proven to be a little therapeutic.  I didn’t realize how much time was spent texting, calling, and browsing the web until I was without one.  It’s almost like smoking to me (although I’ve never smoked, I’m figuring it’s a little like the addiction I have to my phone)  I feel it necessary to check my phone every time I THINK I hear vibration, during commercials, when sitting alone in the car while Anthony is pumping gas…okay okay, I feel compelled to check my cell phone nearly every five minutes.  An unhealthy addiction I would assume.  Without it I don’t have to worry about missing calls or texts, I also don’t have to have something attached to my palm 24/7 AND Anthony enjoys that he doesn’t have to battle for my attention.  Another win.

Without money, we’ve been forced to find interesting things to do that don’t cost money.  The art museum happens to be free through the months of July and August.  Not only is that a cool experience, but it’s also air-conditioned, knockin’ two things off the list.  I’ve found myself wanting to be outdoors, even in this scorching heat, which has made me discover a nearby park and the beauty that’s trapped in downtown Columbus.  It’s also made us find interesting things within ourselves which has shown to be a little difficult at times. 

Although I’m living a life that some would look at and laugh, thinking to themselves “I could NEVER”.  But baby, bring it on…just another day in paradise.

As the well sung words of Phil Vassar (who coincidently is performing this evening at a bar right down the road) said.

Well, it's ok. It's so nice
It's just another day in paradise
Well, there's no place that
I'd rather be
Well, it's two hearts
And one dream
I wouldn't trade it for anything
And I ask the Lord every night
For just another day in paradise

until next time friends, find happiness in everything you do. :)

a new hobby.

To add a little more flavor to my life in a constructive way, I’ve decided to look up some simple DIY (do it yourself) projects that can be done on a low to nothing budget and in the confines of my 2 ft by 2 ft downtown apartment.  The internet is such a wonderful place.  I’ve made a list of some crafty type things I’d like to start doing once I get into the grove of my crazy work schedule.  I don’t want to give away any of my ideas just yet, until I at least have an opportunity to try some of them.  But, I would like to encourage everyone to find a new “hobby” whether it be big or small, I think it helps with the natural stresses of life.  With that being said, I will share with you a website I have recently become obsessed with.  I’ve always loved Tori Spelling more than the normal human being.  I think her way of relating to a “ordinary” life is inspiring seeing as how her life has always been anything BUT typical.  She’s also just incredibly fabulous when it comes to design, crafting, and fashion so why wouldn’t I have a small girl crush on her?

http://www.torispelling.com/cat/entertain

Along with this added edition to my daily routine, I’ve found myself truly focusing on my potential book.  I know my story is an interesting one, and although I find I can write about nearly anything this has proven to give me more writers block than any other subject before.  I’ve contemplated telling my story to someone else to have them take the bull by the horns and jot it all down.  But in all reality, I know I’d feel like a failure if I did that, so what’s my only option?  I suppose I’ll continue to create sixty more outlines of how to detangle this complex lifetime and make it into something some would enjoy reading. So wish me luck with that adventure, hopefully before another decade passes I will at least be content with page number uno.

Life as I know it…

   Living in Columbus has brought about many NEEDED changes in my life as I have said before.  Being away from the 15 regularly attended bars in Dayton and the friends that enjoy me as a drunken fool, has a sad ring to it in many ways, but has proven to be what was required.  I’m in no way perfect, and know that I’ve made and continue to make too many mistakes for one to count, but I know now that alcohol doesn’t cover up those mistakes and in some instances only makes them worse.  This in no way means I’ve become a no fun sober sally.  I obviously still love myself some brews, many brews at that.  But have cut down on using alcohol as a therapy tool for every time I’m upset about something, and it truly feels wonderful.  Separating myself from what I’ve always known has allowed me to truly grow as MYSELF. I will say though that I've never missed my best friends and family more than I do on a daily basis now but have only grown to appriciate each and everyone of them more due to the distance.  With all of the rambling nonsense that honestly, I don’t even care about, I will end with this.  My best friend Stacia is coming to visit tonight, therefore I’m ready to boogie down to whatever the music in our brains is playing with an alcoholic beverage in hand. HECK YEAH YA’LL.

get me out of here.

Today I can finally say I’m finished with the most influential book I’ve ever read.  Searching at Goodwill for a filing cabinet, to hopefully help organize my not so organized boyfriend, I stumbled upon the book isle.  In no sort of order I was positive I wasn’t going to find anything worthwhile, but the clearance sign had me certainly intrigued.  It wasn’t long before I had an arm full of books ranging all over the spectrum.  One book in particular caught my eye.  A young woman sat on the cover looking distressed with the title above her head that read “get me out of here”.  Leaving Goodwill with several odd items that didn’t include a filing cabinet (that always seems to happen), I had no idea what journey the .50 cents spent was about to take me on.  It took me no time to sit down on the couch and indulge in this woman’s struggle with an often over looked mental illness known as borderline personality disorder.  Within the first few pages I found myself relating with this estranged woman in more ways than one.  It was easy to feel a bit “crazy” at times, especially through my struggle accepting my adoption and my most recent disaster, my failed marriage.  Although many of her issues were different and much more severe, I was already obsessed with the fact that my depressive and unpredictable states could be associated with someone else’s foreign issues.   I found myself with a highlighter in hand, taking notes of anything and everything this woman felt that had ever crossed my mind for even a split second.  In many ways it was comforting to know my brain wasn’t the only one that struggled, but I quickly was reminded that I wasn’t connecting with a friend, this was a mental illness I was reading about.  Before I knew it, the entire book had taken over my life (Anthony even threatened throwing it away).  I would sometimes struggle to fall asleep at night because I desired to know more about her illness.  Several nights were spent sitting up on the couch with a dim light reading in hopes of this woman finding some sort of hope.  I decided one day to have a beer while reading about this “mentally insane” woman.  One beer turned into 5, which turned into mixed drinks, which turned into a very drunken 2 hour phone conversation with my mother about how I felt this book was literally making me insane.  I had begun my journey with this woman the very first page I read, and there was no turning back.  As I read on, I became increasingly aware of my true internal feelings, and how I wanted to learn to better express those feelings without being in an uncontrollable funk all the time.  Although I’m no doctor, and therefore can’t diagnose myself with any type of mental illness, I was incredibly surprised by what an impact this book had on my life over the past month.  I may not be able to say I have borderline personality disorder, but this woman’s struggle and ability to overcome a huge personal battle gave me optimism that I too could overcome anything thrown my way.  I hope to one day write about my silly struggles to in turn back up the idea that everything happens for a reason and overcoming any depressive situation is possible with the right outlook on life.  With that being said, I am MORE than thrilled to be able to put this book behind me, but have a new found interest and appreciation for those struggling with any mental illness.  So Read If You Dare : ) 

On a side note, I begin my full time position tomorrow at a local daycare working with the adorable two year olds and I can’t wait.  I’ve found my best coping mechanism is staying busy.